I had MULTIPLE friends send me a screenshot of this story asking me to read it for some laughs, and I don’t think any of them actually thought I would. But you know what? I SPENT THE $1.50 AND DOWNLOADED THIS PIECE OF GLORIOUS TRASH IMMEDIATLEY! I couldn’t decide if it was a 1 or 5-star read, so I settled on an even 3. Now, before we dig into this masterpiece, fair warning that there will be spoilers.

Ok, so. In the year of our Lord 2020, nearly seven months in to isolating ourselves due to a global pandemic, we finally have it: COVID-19 porn. Good GAWD! I screamed my entire way through this one, folks.

It follows the story of Dr Alexa Ashingtonford (that last name though), who is working for “one of Ohio’s top bio-chemical-neuroviral-epidemiologists.” (Is that even a job? Do we even care? No, we do not.) She’s stuck in a lab trying to find a cure for COVID, but is too horny to focus. She hasn’t had sex in MONTHS and at this point, even moving test tubes around is getting her waaay too excited. For real, “even the sound of the virus [in the test tube] made her ovaries clash together like cymbals.” What the fuck???

Anyway, it doesn’t get better. After learning that no one in the lab has been following social distancing guidelines, we find out that her colleague has been COVID-positive the whole time, and Dr. Alexa is thankfully immune. Her colleague injects himself with the trial vaccine, which Dr. Alexa MESSED WITH (!!!) and it takes over his body and turns him into a walking, talking, gigantic, horny, humanoid COVID man.

Obviously, they have sex, and it’s the best she’s ever had, because of course it is.

If anyone has seen the movie Splice, this story reminded me so much of it. I hated it, but was also so entertained I couldn’t look away and kept reading, hoping it would stop, but it didn’t.

I mean, how could I possibly put this down when it had lines like: “As Covid wrapped her up in his arms like she was the filling in a burrito, she realised that she never wanted to be apart from him.” If that’s not true love I don’t know what is. If only COVID actually made us feel like warm, cozy burritos.

This story was absolute garbage, but it provided me with a solid 10 minutes of blissful distraction from this hellish year we’ve been living through. I wish I could say it’s not worth the $1.50, but it absolutely was. I have no regrets. This shit was wild.

That being said, even though this story was a total joke, this pandemic is not. It’s very real, and very scary. Please wear a mask, wash your hands, and keep up the social distancing! That way, once it’s over, we can all curl up with our loved ones and be nice little burritos together.